sikander.org

where to start, oh where to start. who remembers what resulted in the first bite ? gnaw, nibble, chaw, chew, crunch, masticate, munch, scrunch, what shall i call it ? one twelve grain bagle with herb and garlic cream cheese separated into two pieces. one for me and one for me ? no. annyong. chamma ne.

what joke was it again ? about medicine ? about doctors ? about wealth ? yes, i think so. one bite and i’m transformed. there is no turning back. it happened and that is enough. oh, this sheer bliss.. this heaven.. this joy. this is what i need. this is what i want. this is what everyone should have. this is what can cure this accursed world. let us vampires dwell in our humble abode and hide from Sol. let me sleep in peace

my heartbeat is being monitored. i have to keep it normal. how can i keep it normal ? can i keep it normal ? it beats.. thump thump thump .. i can feel it beating against my chest. thump thump thump. i have to keep it that way. my elbow is sinking. my arm is getting numb. but this is bliss, paradise, heaven, joy, worth it. i should reach out. i can not and should not stop in the middle of the road. i have to keep walking and see where it leads to. the mist will clear. the fog will lift. the clouds will go away. i reach out.. thump thump thump thump.. i want to monitor the heartbeat. i should use my right hand. place it on the wrist. try to feel the pulse. thump  thump  thump .. it is slower but it is uniform. i can barely feel it. i don’t let go… just in case

the alarm just rang again. i am already more than an hour late. i should get up. but how. no, i shall stay still. keep silent. i can freeze this moment and make it last forever. i twirl my fingers and make a spear. what should i do with this spear. let go of it and continue to curl my already curly hair. i should get a haircut. i won’t have to wear my safari hat indoors.. thump thump thump.. i am more than an hour late. i should go to the lab. a sigh. a time-check. another self-argument. and more alternate plans and contingencies.

i still haven’t moved. this is heaven, joy, bliss, paradise on earth, this is good. this should stay like it is.. thump thump thump .. i no longer have my right hand over my left hand. is this real ? i hope this is real. i can feel my heartbeat against the forehead. thump thump thump. it has to be real. i relapse into the void and i am floating again.

i hear movement.. i hear the familiar creak.. i hear the shower running.. i see light pouring in my room from under the door.. someone outside is awake. i’m lying alone on my bed.. i should get up.. i’m already late.

an hour later i’m sitting quietly on the bus. was i really alone in my room ? i was happy .. and i’m happy now. it must’ve been real. every mile is leading me closer to where i don’t want to be. i cannot escape. the bus is thundering down the transit way. i should laugh. remember old jokes. it is better this way. makes everything more special. but i should be care-free. i shouldn’t be depressed. there are no people in the bus stops. there are always people waiting for 95. there are none today. i don’t know if i can do this. they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.. thump thump thump.. thump thump thump

an hour later i’m walking towards the fork with an ice cappuccino. i have to go left. i cannot go right. i should go left. i stop. i can do this. my insides fall. my voice falters. but i can talk. thump thump thump thump thump. my legs feel weak. but i can stand. i can walk. i bid adieu. i wish good luck. i wish enjoyment. i say goodbye. see, i can do this. but i need something in return. i don’t like brain freezes. no one likes brain freezes. look at me, i can stand straight, talk, and bid adieu. i don’t need my safari hat. i don’t need my glasses. the end is nigh. the separation inevitable. if not now, then later. can i go back home ? is there still a paradise on earth. it is only two hours away from here.

i have spoken. but i hear nothing. this silence must be broken. this silence must not be heard. speak! yell! talk! whisper! sob! laugh! something! i need to hear a human voice. i need another sentence for i cannot remember the last sentence. i can not. i’m already feeling alone, apart, detached, isolated, remote, withdrawn. my insides are falling again. but i have to get through this. for whomever’s sake, i smile, i laugh, i wave, i walk, and at 0644 i turn 180 degrees.

i’m facing the other side of the wall now. i don’t like this view. it’s too drab. too boring. too white. too lonely. there are people. where is 97 ? outside the terminal. that is good. there are less people outside. fewer eyes. my eyes were already red. they’re more red now. red and translucent. i forgot how to learn the tricky and faster way to tie a knot. damn.. i’ll wait six weeks. walk away, walk away, sit in the corner, put on my hat, put on my glasses. i’m alone now and i’m behind my camouflage. i have my shields. i’ve closed up. nothing can touch me. try your best. here i am.

>> it is inform with great sorrow that M.A has passed away tody on (4-7-2003)

i remember her voice, her cooking, her house, her husband, her daughters, her son, and her traditional sari outfit that she would always be wearing. i remember how we would climb the stairs to the second floor and then wish that we could climb the wall and get to the roof. there was a huge tree rooted in the courtyard of her house that was taller than the roof of the house. the tree bore some sort of a fruit, i forget exactly what, and you would be guaranteed to find them lying on the roof. the only problem was getting there. i also remember the two round water jugs made out of clay that were kept in the left-hand corner of the courtyard. i remember how cold and sweet the water would be. and how there would always be an upturned steel glass on top of one of them. i remember how she invited me inside and tried to convince me to stay for dinner the last time i saw her. i remember refusing and telling her that i had been sick only yesterday and my digestive system was still trying to adapt to pakistan. i remember her insisting that i have to eat something before i leave… and then eating some of the spiciest food i ate while i was in pak :) … she will be missed

knowing that someone i have known doesn’t exist in this world anymore is weird. one day i would know it is more than weird.