throughout the proceedings, i could not help but feel a little bit guilty. after all, no one lodged a complaint against me while i made one against both of them. i felt like a spectator, a mediator, a know-it-all-snob, and a counsellor all at once. i feel horrible when i try to look at myself thru their eyes. what i want to see is what hopefully they see when they do the same : love. what i do see is hypocrisy [maybe too harsh a word ?]. i see a person who preaches a lot but does not always act on his own teachings. and that scares me more than anything else because i know i’ve done it lots of times and numerous times more without knowing it.
i am “more mature and responsible” ? haven’t i heard that before. i remember an incident from the early 90s. we had invited quite a few people for dinner that night and i was in the kitchen, opening the refrigirator door to take out something to drink when the females invaded the room. i call it a room because it was carpeted and even had an airconditioner. i remember how i grinned and tried to ignore all the praise that was hurled at me from all sides. it felt uncomfortable to be elevated in such a fashion in the presence of people i do not even know the names of.
sometimes i think of how different either one might’ve turned out had such praise been showered on them. i’m not saying they didn’t get any. they got their own share [and i’m glad to say that no one is jealous of the other] but these specific words were reserved for me from as far back as i can remember. and this brings up the question of how, when, and why did it start
how did i turn out to be the “most responsible one” among us three ? when did i develop, or maybe inherit, this characteristic ? and why ? what did they do different which made me today what i am ?
i doubt anyone can answer it. as i said, as far back as i can remember, i’ve been labelled that. as far as i can remember, i’ve always wanted to be in charge of everything around me. i’ve wanted to know everything that goes on in my universe [but i also have to better my stance on privacy of others]. i want to be the one responsible for everything and everyone in my world. if there is something i can do which will make someone happy, i would strive to do it regardless of whether it were expected of me or not. i want to surprise people by helping them out, by keeping in mind what is important to them, by getting them what they need or want, and most importantly, by doing what they don’t expect me to do.
why ?
because i want to hear their praise ? or maybe because it makes me happy to see them happy ? or is it just a human survival strategy since this way they owe me sometihng and in my time of need i can rest assured that i won’t be left alone ? or maybe because i saw both my parents do it all the time ? but then why didn’t they see it too ? why weren’t they affected as much as i ?
just a bunch of questions no one can answer. but i can answer the one regarding her. i owe it all to FataLity. we were walking down MerivaleRd a couple of winters ago and while talking he casually said ‘yeah but if i don’t do it, then she’ll have to’. that phrase opened a new window in my mind. i wanted to care for someone the same way. and who better than someone who had cared for me since the first time i cried :)
the result, conclusion, resolution, call it whatever you want, of the proceedings today was very satisfactory. everyone is an amazing amazing person. however, much more needs to be done before our, especially mine, ideals are reached. or are ideals someting you long for but can never achieve ?
only time will tell.