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throughout the proceedings, i could not help but feel a little bit guilty. after all, no one lodged a complaint against me while i made one against both of them. i felt like a spectator, a mediator, a know-it-all-snob, and a counsellor all at once. i feel horrible when i try to look at myself thru their eyes. what i want to see is what hopefully they see when they do the same : love. what i do see is hypocrisy [maybe too harsh a word ?]. i see a person who preaches a lot but does not always act on his own teachings. and that scares me more than anything else because i know i’ve done it lots of times and numerous times more without knowing it.

i am “more mature and responsible” ? haven’t i heard that before. i remember an incident from the early 90s. we had invited quite a few people for dinner that night and i was in the kitchen, opening the refrigirator door to take out something to drink when the females invaded the room. i call it a room because it was carpeted and even had an airconditioner. i remember how i grinned and tried to ignore all the praise that was hurled at me from all sides. it felt uncomfortable to be elevated in such a fashion in the presence of people i do not even know the names of.

sometimes i think of how different either one might’ve turned out had such praise been showered on them. i’m not saying they didn’t get any. they got their own share [and i’m glad to say that no one is jealous of the other] but these specific words were reserved for me from as far back as i can remember. and this brings up the question of how, when, and why did it start

how did i turn out to be the “most responsible one” among us three ? when did i develop, or maybe inherit, this characteristic ? and why ? what did they do different which made me today what i am ?

i doubt anyone can answer it. as i said, as far back as i can remember, i’ve been labelled that. as far as i can remember, i’ve always wanted to be in charge of everything around me. i’ve wanted to know everything that goes on in my universe [but i also have to better my stance on privacy of others]. i want to be the one responsible for everything and everyone in my world. if there is something i can do which will make someone happy, i would strive to do it regardless of whether it were expected of me or not. i want to surprise people by helping them out, by keeping in mind what is important to them, by getting them what they need or want, and most importantly, by doing what they don’t expect me to do.

why ?

because i want to hear their praise ? or maybe because it makes me happy to see them happy ? or is it just a human survival strategy since this way they owe me sometihng and in my time of need i can rest assured that i won’t be left alone ? or maybe because i saw both my parents do it all the time ? but then why didn’t they see it too ? why weren’t they affected as much as i ?

just a bunch of questions no one can answer. but i can answer the one regarding her. i owe it all to FataLity. we were walking down MerivaleRd a couple of winters ago and while talking he casually said ‘yeah but if i don’t do it, then she’ll have to’. that phrase opened a new window in my mind. i wanted to care for someone the same way. and who better than someone who had cared for me since the first time i cried :)

the result, conclusion, resolution, call it whatever you want, of the proceedings today was very satisfactory. everyone is an amazing amazing person. however, much more needs to be done before our, especially mine, ideals are reached. or are ideals someting you long for but can never achieve ?

only time will tell.

inspired by dooh’s post-modern story, here is a similar story by *andrea* that invites you to learn, enjoy, and appreciate the beauty of the word “heu”

Allaheu akbar! Allaheu akbar! Allaheu la ilaha illah heuwa, said the white dwarf. Jiggle, and giggle and white fluffypuffs, Heu is a monosyllable expression used, much like the Smurf’s “smurf”, to describe that which is indescribably pleasant.

Sweet and sour twitches, fuzzy winks, and all colours… with the exception of Pink, are examples of heuishness, in all their Heu.

When the short stubby orange marsupial finished painting heu univheuse on canvas of heu mind, before heu inner eye, blue and silvheu in a mist of celestial heu, she stood back, fuzzy-faces and pink, and smiled.

Heu Majesty Koala the Kween of Heu was no longer a simple ball of pfluph-substance. But prior to the exposition of heuself in the univheusal mind-art exhibition of heuity, she suffered a great many pink ordeals. This is the story of Heu.

[ed : go get some popcorn]

In the land of Pink [ed : i refuse to make the background pink], a very long time ago, when the Dodo ate the pomegranate seeds and died, there lived an orange somewhat sedated creature called Koala. Koala had three fingers on either paw; three very slow and counter productive fingers. One was pink, one was also pink, and the last one, the little chota one, was very much pink, too much pink… ziada. [ed : ziada is an urdu word and it means lots / many / excessive / too much]

As Koala slowly moved from leafless tree to leafless tree, all drained of their green freshness, she had a habit of suckling these fingers, for the bitter taste that exuded from their pinkishness brought upon visual hallucinations, which she very much enjoyed, seeing as her world was composed only of various aggressive pinks.

Baby pink, purple pink, hot pink, dark pink, fuschia, pink with red polka dots…

Koala was a miserable marsupial. Her fur was bristly, her nose was dry and her fingers were pink. Misery!

One day, as Koala sleepily dragged her feet on a foreign road made of pink sand paper, she encountered a sign that read:

Heu: Start at the beginning, and when you come to the end, stop.

Perplexed and intrigued, Koala walked on drowsily. On the horizon, she noted a blurry silhouette, something she had never seen before, something fresh, crisp, and cool. She ceased to nourish her “syst?e sensoriel” with dangerous amounts of pink provided by her fingertips, and approached this new hovering structure. There was freshness around it, soft winds that ran through her orange coat. It was terribly big, yet it seemed so light and airy, like a cloud.

The burning pink and red sun set. Koala circled her new discovery once and, beat by the fatigue and lack of pink stimuli, collapsed at the foot of the thing.

Koala woke to the sound of murmurs. “heu heu heuheu heu heu heuheu,” she heard. Like throbbing, like a heartbeat, like the sound from deep space nine’s central power unit; a sweet melodious sound, yet strange to her untrained and pink-conditioned ears. Blue is an acquired taste in these pink parts. She flared her nostrils and scratched her furry tummy. Koala looked up and tried, as Jack had apparently done in a neighbouring Story land with his beanstalk, to see where this enormous thing ended. Directly above her floated a massive figment of her imagination, but the upper part of it was lost, swallowed by the obnoxiously pink stratosphere. Koala licked her nose and resolved to climb into the unknown. After all, she had nothing to lose but a pathetic pink-dependant existence revolving around three-fingered hands, clammy from the sucking thereof. She lazily walked beneath the centre of the floating whispering novelty and daringly looked up for some entrance.

All she found, sadly, were large letters that read:

Made in Heu.

Suddenly, the sky ripped open and silver flakes of freshness floated downwards. Little light bulbs from afar shown against the new dark sky as the former pinkness melted away like hot wax. The earth beneath her feet grew purple moss with high stems that soon flowered in divinely intricate blossoms, which smelled *snif snif* like cocoa and vanilla.

The trees shed their rough bark and grew extra big and smooth. Their gold foliage shone in the starlight, and their fruits dripped of diamond water. Koala stood in awe. She turned around and around, witnessing this absolute heuness with wide eyes and open mouth. As she turned one last time to face that which was made in Heu, it was gone.

Vanished! Disappeared! Extinct! Died out! Faded! Dissolved! It was no more.

Koala was dizzy. These new scents and colours were a lot to handle. She retraced her steps to the sign she had read before arriving to the strange hovering no longer existing thing. But there, she failed to find the sign. Instead there was a red rubbery sphere waltzing around. As she came near it, it stopped and glided towards her and said: squeeze me!

Reluctantly, Koala did as the ball advised, and everything around her came to a halt.

A faint whistling was heard as Koala’s fur curled and grew. Her nose moistened as her body colour changed from violent orange to passive blue, a colour that most suited her temper. Then, a boisterous voice was heard clearing its throat. Startled, Koala looked around but no one could be seen other than the magnificent scenery.

“Is this thing on?” said the deep echo. “Oh. Well turn it off- where’s my line?”

The whistling ceased for a few seconds, and resumed, to the expectation of Koala.

She rolled her eyes and sat on a golden tree stump.

” You are within the Heu, and the Heu is in you. Yabok trilliuma toghbitsgroo, groo Froshtik mastin ka mavi.”

Little white dwarfs, at that moment, came out from various hiding places and began to cheer.

” Heu! Heu! Heu!” they happily yelled in unison.

Koala and the dwarfs danced and sang under the stars of Heu, for the rest of time.

The Heu.